A Power Greater than Myself

The second step in the 12 steps reads, "I come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity".  Do I have a problem accepting there is a power greater than myself?  No!  But... while I have never doubted the existence of God, I have spent the majority of my life believing God was largely "absent" from the world.  Removed in a sense.  That He created and then looked upon His creation as we chose to live well or not well.  This fit in very nicely with my idea of self sufficiency and how I had learned to move about in the world.  Although I'm not fighting an addiction, any person believing in God who loses a loved one and falls into grief is faced with having to struggle with the first 3 steps in the 12 step program.  So, here I am on my knees almost a year after losing Amy realizing that my own efforts to take care of myself, heal myself and fix my emotional state have just made matters worse.  I got desperate.  I guess one could say I hit my "emotional bottom in grief".  I cried uncle.  I may have been complaining for months about the God not working for me or not showing up for Him.  I may have prided myself on my patience for God, but the whole while I have prevented God from working for me, not allowed him room to work and He has been patiently waiting for me.

This has been a complete shift in how I relate to and think about God.  My theology has shifted significantly and I trust it's a real shift as it's coming from experience and not abstract ideas or nicely thought up constructions.  It's also biblical. God is becoming personal.  I'm getting to know God and understanding my dependence on Him and my severe human limitations.  It's humbling.  It's frightening, but as I slowly let go and accept this, it's also comforting.  As I've mentioned before, during this lent, I am practicing to "let go" and surrender.  And, a significant wedge between me and God is myself.  I am attempting to fall into God's truth by letting go of self reliance.  It's a messy project and I'm sure my attempts aren't too graceful in God's eyes but I am certain He loves my attempts.  It's the irony of "trying to not try".  Every time I get scared, wake up or start to become depressed, am filled with loneliness, am gripped with fear, or find myself sitting with apprehension I try and get out of my head where my ideas want to plan the way out and breathe into God.  I, at that point, try and rest my thoughts and my mind on God and remind myself that my peace and comfort don't depend on the circumstances of my life, but rest in God's grace, promise and the possibility of peace and comfort while I am faced with difficulties in life.  Trials in life with come and go, but God remains consistent.  Which will I choose to focus on for stability?  Circumstances are tied to "self" and self-will as I will forever be in a struggle to control.  God is linked to nothing and everything... He is timeless, forever present and never changing.  With God, I'm not in control and simply need to learn to let go.  I need to learn that so often my methods are faulty and the solution is simply a matter of surrendering to the ways of God even if I don't know understand them and feel terrible.  My emotions may lead me to want an immediate release from my situation, but that will usually get me into trouble.  I am trying to let God take me out of my feelings and circumstances the way He intends.  So, far it's helping.  In just a few weeks, I'm doing much better than I've done in 11 months with me at the helm.