Getting Lost

Knowing how to grieve is difficult for me.  Letting go is harder.  The two are intrinsically linked, I know.  I've always gravitated and held on to formulas... grades... processes fashioned from precise steps.  I'm too often observing myself from above critiquing whether I'm performing appropriately.  As a consequence, I miss the experience.  I'm detached and removed.  A spectator observing not even a sport, but a vacuum.

"God, the relationship I had with my loved one was one-of-a-kind.  when I worry that I'm not grieving the right way, help me understand that I don't need to be anyone but the person You created me to be."

Operating and acting in that void feels beyond uncomfortable.  Saying I feel scared and disoriented in it is an understatement.  Saying I don't trust a process where there is no outline and performance check is mildly put.  The irony is that removing judgment and protocol from my action feels pointless yet there is a deeper understanding which knows the transformation happens right there.  In my heart of hearts, I know God speaks in that void where I've given up relying on all things constructed by me.  God is that "still, small voice".  God moves in the space where I let go of myself, my certainty, my formulas and outlines.  God will work on me when I stop working on myself.  I have to be willing to feel lost, confused and disoriented.  I have to surrender to a state which forces me to rely on Him as a consequence of having given up relying on myself.  I know I need to be willing to feel utterly alone and release the attachments to which I feel safe holding.  Surrendering attractions, distractions and rote memories that all serve to separate me from God.  Of this, I have an understanding.  Of how, I'm unsure.  And, I suppose that's the point.