Here it is Shrove Tuesday and tomorrow lent begins. How appropriate. It's almost been a year since she has been gone. And, i've increasingly become worse. I'm wondering if depression is replacing the grief. I'm not able to distinguish one from the other. At times I feel I will never return to the sharp, confident, energetic and hopeful soul I used to be. It feels as if this blanket of grief has cloaked me with a heavy layer too burdensome to remove. But, this last week I've been having a mild shift. I suppose the change came about because the pain became too great. My behaviors almost became unrecognizable when held against the person I knew myself to be. I had attached myself too tightly to a couple of people I unknowingly hoped would take away my pain. I was, without understanding, looking to them to remove my pain and grief and simultaneously replace an attachment reserved for my most intimate relationship which is gone.
With this wake-up and finding myself feeling utterly alone and not able to lean false replacements of intimacy, I had to make a decision. I intuitively knew I was at a crossroads and there was a lot at stake. There still is. I've barely moved from where I was just a week ago. I came to understand how I have put God aside during my attempt to heal and have been relying on myself and my own ideas as a way around grief. I have used my intellect, my denial and other people as a means to beat grief and God has been pushed aside. I didn't realize God had been pushed aside but sometimes God lets you know your ways aren't working by letting you suffer the consequences of your own actions. He has always been here. He has not left me. I simply chose to bypass Him and rely on my own methods and understanding. No wonder I haven't heard Him nor felt Him. I had moved away from Him. I thought I was exercising a patience with God, when I think the whole time God was being patient with me.
My idols. My distractions. the fist is my intellect... I can so easily escape pain, fear, grief and loneliness by moving upstairs in my head and coming up with some idea, construct, plan or scenario that gives me some form of relief, even if only temporary. It becomes an endless game of mental constructs to extinguish the latest pain that arises and as soon as I get relief I'm having to perform the same task again as it arises fresh in a new form. It is easy to live in my head. But, terribly exhausting. I was basically brought down to my knees this last week and had to take a hard look that my cognitive attempts were doing no good. In fact, they were harming me. The second method I use to avoid is denial. Yes, I know my partner is gone from this world, but I have made my home and my memories a catacomb of sorts. So many behaviors reminding me of what we had and using those memories to gleam some reminiscent feeling from a past no longer present. Refusing to feel the reality of loss, I continue to use the past as a way to live fictionally in a world in which I no longer know how to live. Thirdly, I have used people as a method of distraction. I have attached myself rigidly to a one person in particular to whom I developed an emotional attraction. I was looking to her to feel loved, cared about and taken care of. I looked to her as a way to feel connected. I used her as a means to avoid the reality that I was and am alone. I avoided the grief but increasingly became discontent and depressed. I eventually pushed her away as there was an anxiety in me always knowing the edge was close. Even in the midst of my desperate behavior, I knew it wasn't real.
So, God let me fumble around misguided and alone. He let me call out for Him while looking right past Him towards others. He let me do it my way. He stayed firm and steady. I can't say what shifted, but one day it came to me. I realized, "I'm not leaning on God to get through this... I'm leaning on my own will". I understood very quickly that the pain I have to let go of is the very pain I have to embrace. I know the fears I have to move through are the fears I have to feel. But, the biggest insight I have is that during my pain, loneliness, fear and anxiety I have to go to Him for relief... not rely on my mind, my past or other people. It's clear to me that surrendering to Him will get me through this. Yes, I need community and support, but they need to be ancillary. My main guide, main support, and main rest must be God.
So, as tomorrow brings forth lent, I will be attempting to give up these idols and distractions. I will attempt to let God do the work and surrender to Him as my guide and healer. I will attempt to get out of God's way. So, whenever the pains of grief hit, and they are so very constant, it will be my reminder to let go, breathe deep and say a short prayer and ask Him to help. I'll try and step back to make room for Him. The pain will be a reminder for me to be very conscious of not letting my mind fix on the distractions that simply lead me astray or numb me. I will do my best to just sit in the pain and invite God in. To let Him do the work He needs to do and let Him show me how to heal, where to proceed and who I will be. As my pastor says, it's not about the destination, but about the journey. I cannot let my walk be dependent upon knowing where I'm going. I have to have faith in God that He will take me where I need to go. My faith can't be dependent upon circumstances or feeling. So, wish me luck as I embark on a very different way of relating tomorrow.
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