Free falling

Letting go of control is admitting I’m not the best person for the job.  It’s an admission of needing help.  It's terribly humbling as well as frightening. Ugh.

I get antsy when I start to feel a little relief.  I have had a few “decent” days lately and have a tendency  to move upstairs into my head and formalize it… “figure out” what has led to it and crystallize it.  It’s hard for me to live in uncertainty.  Certainty leads me to believing I’m in control.  I feel a sense of temporary relief because I believe I’m at the helm.  If I know what led to something, I can keep it in place.  Well, how many times has that worked?  None when it comes to my inner emotional world.  It’s only moved me further away from where I need to be… which is in a space of uncertainty and reliance on God.

It’s hard for me to step away from the role of leader.  I’ve never had any real practice relying on others to large degrees except for Amy.  I see something, I want it, I figure out a way to get it and I usually succeed.  Surrendering control to God is the hardest thing which I’ve faced.  Not only surrendering to Him when I feel bad, but even when I feel better.  Knowing that in ALL circumstances it must be He I look to for guidance.  I have to move forward careful to not try and usurp control.  Because He will let me have the wheel anytime I choose.  Circumstances are often happenstance, but the movement through the circumstances is where I either allow God to speak or I silence Him.  The response to circumstance is where either grace exists or greed as an expression of my will.  God is the still, small voice I’m pretty sure.  My efforts silence God.  

God has given me free will to learn, respond or fall.  It’s my choice whether I invite Him to lead, or whether I push Him aside.  Inviting Him in is hard… the pain, anxiety, depression, grief and loneliness attempt to hide His light as they coax me to tighten the grip and take the lead.  I have a choice.  I can attempt surrender and look to Him for guidance and direction or I can continue relying on my own broken efforts and understanding.  Intuitively, I know I must make humble efforts to strip myself of the beliefs, behaviors, defenses and patterns which propel me to take charge and to which I’m habituated.  Intuitively, I know it's necessary to make an effort to repent, surrender and submit to hearing His voice… trusting He will lead me safely through this wilderness.  Trusting He will care for me and not lead me astray.  It’s important I remember that God’s love for me in not reflected in my circumstances.  Instead, I believe God’s love and presence may or may not be known depending upon my response to Him in the midst of my circumstances.  It’s the irony of letting go when I am faced with hardship that produces a stronger relationship with Christ.  That, I believe, is most likely the “peace that surpasses all understanding”. The choice to feel the love of God and hear His plan for my life lies in my choice to respond to Him with either certainty or surrender.   It’s having enough trust in God to surrender my lead.   It’s having faith I can only understand his love, presence and will for my life if I give up the leadership position, and listen for His voice in the wilderness of my fears and grief.  It’s having faith that surrendering and letting go will bring me to a much better place than I can produce myself.  Being bold enough to have a little hope in a sea of  overwhelming circumstance.