Beyond Circumstances

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

I am definitely finding myself in situations where what I'm learning is being tested.  NOT what I wanted.  But, I only have so much control over my circumstances.  Two people close to me have become angry at me in the last two days.  Their type of anger and communication is very difficult for me to handle.  It hurts.  They are both very similar in how they relate and communicate and I'm considering this.  I've known them both for years and this is certainly not the first time I've been at the receiving end of what feels very painful.  Monologues comprised of resentment, criticism, temper, anger and blame.  They both are a "prickly" sort of person staying clear of making their softer sides known.  They don't make it a habit to apologize and are rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their behavior towards others.  They explode.  In a nutshell, they have great difficulty being vulnerable.   Do I play a part in the situation that leads them to feel upset?  Well, of course I'm sure I do!  But, I do think to a smaller percentage in this situation.  But, if perception is reality and in their minds I'm largely to blame, their communication style doesn't lend itself to mending misunderstanding.  How can I change what I don't know to change?  That is what I don't know what to do with.  This is where I'm tested in my faith and beliefs.  How do I walk peacefully and communicate with gentleness and love when I'm being criticized and judged and neither of them seem amenable to working through the situation?  I think that is why we're in this situation again...  because each prior mishap is not resolved and they harbor resentment.  They don't to the core of the situations, don't let me know what they need, but instead focus on incidents that are only symptoms of the real upset.

"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 5:5-9

Let my gentleness be known to all?  This is so difficult as I feel treated poorly, but I know that's why we're told to do this.  Why would we need instruction to treat people gently when we are not struggling with them?   I have a desire to talk to these people and tell them my side and my truth because they won't allow me.  I have a desire for them to communicate in my way.  This is about control.  This is me wanting to lead the situation on my terms and seek relief.  This is me seeking to change who they are.  I can't change them... only God can.  A gentle heart in myself doesn't come about through my will and I certainly can't will someone elses heart to soften.  So, my challenge comes in the face of being hurt, criticized and misunderstood.  It comes from their lack of understanding of what grief does to a person.  It comes from them having no idea what Amy and I went through the last 2 1/2 years of her life... the physical and emotional pain, isolation, stress, worry, fear and depression.  They have no idea what has complicated my grief this last year since her passing.  But, it is still my job to treat them with gentleness and I am not to return their behaviors with like behaviors.  I am not to deal with the situation by puffing myself up and making it all about how they are flawed.  I already expressed gently the fact I cared for them.  I expressed being sorry if I hurt them unintentionally.  I handled the interaction pretty well I think.  I now have to guard myself against sadness and feeling misunderstood, mistreated and a bit abandoned when I am just now making attempts to reconnect with friends and give more.  I have to guard myself against being rendered inert by depression.  I have to remember how God defines me... as beloved.  I have to continue seeking connection regardless if people have an understanding of what I've been through.  I have to meditate on what is good and seek the peace and comfort of God that surpasses my understanding.